Pengalaman mengandung anak pertama part 1

Dah lama dah aku beranak actually. Dah 4 bulan dah pun umur si kenit ni. I don’t know about others. Tapi aku rasa pregnancy itu is pretty rough to me. Some people had it really cool. Katanya macam tak mengandung je rasa. Tapi bila kenang2 balik pengalaman mengandung tu aduhaiiii. Tunggu lagi atleast 2 tahun baru kita tambah adik eh Ilham? 🤣

I think around 9 months jugak lah masa aku ambil untuk cuba mengandung balik. Sebelum ni 2 kali jugak keguguran. Keguguran tu boleh bukak satu posting lain kut haha. 9 bulan jugak merasa TTC. Trying to conceive. Itu pun boleh bukak satu posting lain. Had gone thru a rough year just untuk conceive anak walhal sebelum tu 2 kali mengandung without any hassle (alhamdulillah). Lepas gugur tu  Allah uji pulak dengan kesusahan nak conceive. Allahu.

Still remember every month excited nak check sama ada pregnant ke tak. Siap beli UPT murah tu lagi. Punya gigih hari2 check UPT when finally, akhirnya aku conceived the baby. Mula2 check guna UPT murah je. Sekali naik double line. Alhamdulillah. Tunjuk kat suami. Dia marah asal tak tunggu dia check sekali hahaha. Lepastu beli clearblue pregnancy test baru double confirm yang aku pregnant.

And this time memang aku tak tunggu2 lagi. Terus direct shoot pergi Hospital Columbia PJ jumpa my favourite gynae, Dr Bheena Vyshali. Sebab sebelum ni dia dah pesan kalau conceived je lagi terus jumpa dia. Dia akan pantau perkembangan aku lah. She’s a veryyyy nice doctor. Siap bagi aku personal number dia. You won’t get any other doctor that willing to release their personal numbers except for her. Memang dia gigih sangat nak tolong aku masa tu. Alhamdulillah dipertemukan dengan dia.

And this time memang tak tunggu lagi, terus buat transvaginal ultrasound. Tau dak mende tu? Hehe. Dia sama je dengan normal ultrasound cuma beza nya yang ini, masuk ikut bawah haha. They got this long thing, dia sauk ikut bawah sana so that boleh tengok lagi clear kantung and janin dalam perut tu. Kalau sebelum ni bila mula tau pregnant tu aku jadi macam paranoid bila doctor kata tak nampak. Walhal baru 5 minggu and doctor scan ikut perut. Aku terus terbayang ectopic pregnancy and being me yang ada anxiety tahap parah, jadi sangat paranoid. So yes kalini aku opted untuk terus scan bawah tengok terus kantung. Alhamdulillah everything is okay. 5 minggu memang belum nampak heartbeat lagi. Dalam 8 minggu baru akan nampak kelip2 kat screen tu hehe

This time lepas tau je pregnant memang bukan takat acid folic aku consume, dengan duphaston nya lagi, similac pramilet, neurogain. Belum lagi pastu tambah aspirin la nak bagi cair darah. And kalsium pulak lagi pastu. Aduhai memang jadi robot telan ubat wey. Semua nak prevent dari keguguran jadi lagi. Tapi paling aku benci ubat tambah hb tu. Zincofer. Allahu benci nya saya. Okay la compare dengan semua, ni la ubat paling senang makan berbanding kalsium dengan pramilet. Tapi kesan dia.. sembelit wey!! 

Aku ni dah la memang ada masalah sembelit teruk masa mengandung. Hari2 WAJIB buah okay. Buah bukan sebarang. Kalau jenis buah2 kering macam honeydew memang tak jalan. Duphalac was my best friend ever masa tu. Dalam beg dah siap bekalan duphalac sebab Allah, benci nya rasa bila kena sembelit tu. Lagi2 bila mengandung. Awal2 tu macam.. eh aku teran2 ni tak terkeluor ke baby dalam perut ni? Punya takut aku masa tu hahaha. Seawal minggu kelapan kena serang sembelit. Orang lain sibuk open house raya masa tu, aku sibuk pikir masalah sembelit puihhh hahaha.

Anyway, aku ikut je apa yang doctor suruh makan. Duphaston aku bantai. Mahal wey ubat ni. Beratus jugak satu bulan habis. And aku consume sampai 2-3 bulan x silap. Tak ingat berapa lama. Tapi boleh tahan costing untuk duphaston sahaja. First trimester memang mentally mencabar. Hari2 gi toilet takutttt sangat ada bleeding. Sangat2 takut sebab anak yang pertama dulu conceive, keluar darah, tengok2 dah takde heartbeat. So untuk baby kalini memang aku takut sangat wey. Aku memang jaga2. Jalan sumpah bapak slow. Naik moto pun dah harommm. And yes hubungan suami isteri pun aku elak. Punya nak jaga baby dah conceived ni. 

Sebelum people go tldr, sambung part 2 ye nanti :D 

Hi guys I am back!

So yeah, I am back guys! Dah beranak satu dah pun uolss. Lama dah tinggal blog. 2 tahun. Semangat nak blogging tu dah terbang hilang kemana. Biasa umur pun dah lewat2 hahaha. Makin tua makin kurang semangat

Banyak benda nak update actually. I love this blog. Sangat2 sayang sebenar nya. Literally dah 10 tahun pun umur blog ni. Walau orang dah lupa dunia blogging yang pernah famous suatu ketika dahulu, aku tak pernah lupa blog aku.

Mukadimah aje. Belanja satu gambar anak sempena blogging balik

Black Korean Drama Review [Warning - A lil bit of Spoiler]

I just finished watching Black recently. Black is a korean drama which consists of 18 episodes. Somehow for me, Black is kinda new genre. I used to only watched those kind of melodrama or comedic type. But Black is more of thrill and also mystery. Not really focusing on love story

Minus the final episode? Black definitely is one of my fave drama. But with the finale? I feel extremely disappointed with the whole way they concluded the drama. Just.. blerghh =/

I like every detail that the script writer has made with the drama. With a little twist here and there. And oh here came the unexpected. I totally love. When you thought the main culprit is that one person, turn out to be the other person. This drama is lead by Song Seung-Heon and Go Ara.

A simple synopsis of the story. It's a story about grim reaper(444) took over a detective's (Han Moo Gang) dead body in order to retrieve back his partner that went into the human world back again by taking over another person's dead body. Before dead, Han Moo Gang met a special human (Kang Ha Ram) who has the ability to see the "shadow" of the grim reaper. After 444 took over Han Moo Gang's body, 444 took advantage of Kang Ha Ram's ability to retrieve back his partner that went missing. Only Kang Ha Ram that can see the shadow in the human's body. On his way to retrieve his missing partner, Han Moo Gang or 444 unintentionally solved different kind cases which connects to one another and also connected to his old self.

So yeah what about the final episode? Disappointing? Why? After seeing lots of people dying or dead in 17 episodes, on the final episode 444 requested for himself to perished from this world and requested that those memories about to him be erased from everyone's mind. So it was like hitting a reset button and the mess that happened for 17 episodes just went... totally wasted. I don't know to use what word. Just wasted man =|

In the final episode, Kang Ha Ram's parents didn't go into the accident which is I don't know how this supposed to connect with 444 perished. Kang Ha Ram lead a simple and ordinary life without 444 in her mind at all. Suddenly they show the already old Kang Ha Ram hearing stories about 444. The next day Kang Ha Ram sat in front of the house at the yard and died. So she met again with 444 and she remembers him. Like wtf, Didn't all the memories were erased from everyone mind? Like blah3 I hate the ending. I would prefer a rather dark ending than this kind of "fairy tale" ending which totally had ruined the whole dark drama. 

I just don't know about other but am not fond with the ending. Sucks totally. Doesn't make any sense at all. I've read somewhere that this whole idea of the ending was the idea of the director and not from the script writer herself. If this is true, that stupid director totally have wasted such a good drama with  such kind of ending

Overall I can only give this drama around 7/10. If it wasn't because of the bad ending, I would totally give around 9.5/10. And why I gave it 7/10? Because the other 17 episodes saved the rating. Good drama with bad ending

Well this is just based on my opinion. Chiao 

After more than 1 year

Rasa macam dah lama sangat tak blogging kat sini. Well obviously half of my life is spent at other social network services. Facebook lah, instagram and whatnot. Finally decided to spend more time on my humble blog. Since I have more time right now in hand haha. 

Sekarang ni dah lebih setahun aku kahwin. And this blog has seen the progress of me growing up starting from my uni life. Cuma lepas kahwin dah tak update. Busy with life after marriage of course haha. 

Just a simple update before I finally be in my full mode of blogging. Till next time guys ;)

Love of my life

Counting days. Finally insyaAllah the right man has arrived in my life. After waiting for so long. Hopefully the marriage will last forever and will be under Allah's blessing. 

SYARUL ASRAF MOHAMAT

I LOVE YOU

Counting days. 8/10/2016

Finally, you and me

:)

Time to take a break with life

Sometimes you just feel like taking a break from life. When you just feel like breaking free from everything. When you feel like life is suffocating. When you feel like you're getting out of place. Picking the pieces of me that keep on breaking apart. Sometimes life is just... tiring. Tired of everything. Tired of thinking. Tired of wondering. Tired of pulling and pushing. Time to take a break with life. 

Older is wiser?

Does being old makes you wiser? I'm not so sure about that. Well I used to think older person is a more wiser person. Well of course, growing up, I will always look up on people who are older than me. Always think that they're older so pretty much they have more knowledge than me.

But being an adult myself currently makes me rethink the thought that I used to hold on before. Being older does makes you wiser? Am not really sure about that. Makin lama hidup kat dunia ni makin aku rasa kurangnya ilmu kat dada. Makin aku rasa there's sooo much in this world that I just don't know yet.

Okay back to the point. Your old age does not makes you any wiser than a person who is younger than you but has more experience than you do. Take an example, you got your driving license pretty much late than your friend. You've been driving everday eversince you got your license but your friend just drive the car like once a week. Your friend got his/her license first but you yourself have more experience driving than your friend. Does owning a driving license longer than you makes your friend more expert than you? Experience beats everything. I might think I am wiser than a 20 years old girl. But if she has been experiencing far more difficulties and obstacles than me, does not makes me any wiser than her. 

Ahaa so much of talking because I feel useless each time a new day pass ahead of me. I don't think I am getting any wiser. Sometimes I just feel so lost in life that I just could not find the light. I could not determine what is the right path for me to follow. Pretty much I am currently living my life as it is, without a direction to guide me. I am approaching the 30s less than 5 years but I just still don't get the meaning of my life. I still don't know what is the purpose. I just.. live.

So here I am, hoping to be a bit wiser each day. Though I don't think I am leading to the right direction.

Oh forgot to say, hi blog! I miss you so much. Hehe. Toodles.

Parallel lines (You and I)

Ever heard of the parallel lines? This may sound a lil mathematical to some of you but somehow it means quite a thing to me

"Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet!"

You and I, well we have very much in common. We get along very well. We never really get bored of each other. Whatever we do, we can entertain each other. You'll listen to whatever I will say, showing interest no matter what. Yes, we get along very well. I know.

But somehow, you and I, me and you, are just like... the parallel lines. We have so much in common but yeah, in whatever point in this life, we shall never meet, at all. You and I are never meant to be with each other. You and I are just meant to be there, in this life, knowing each other, getting very easy with one another but no, there will be no point in this life where we will ever meet, ever...

Go on with your life. You got your life to live, and I got mine too. We shall never mess up with the life that we have built so far. You should go on with your path and I should go with mine.

Hoping that you will understand that you and I, are just the same as these parallel lines. 

"Parallel lines (we) have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll (we'll) never meet!"

Big Girls Don't Cry

Da Da Da Da

The smell of your skin lingers on me now

You're probably on your flight back to your home town

I need some shelter of my own protection baby

To be with myself and center, clarity

Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know

That this has nothing to do with you

It's personal, myself and I

We've got some straightenin' out to do

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket

But I've got to get a move on with my life

It's time to be a big girl now

And big girls don't cry

Don't cry

Don't cry

Don't cry

The path that I'm walking

I must go alone

I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown

Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?

And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

Like the little school mate in the school yard

We'll play jacks and uno cards

I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine

Yes you can hold my hand if you want to

'Cause I want to hold yours too

We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds

But it's time for me to go home

It's getting late, dark outside

I need to be with myself and center, clarity

Peace, Serenity

La Da Da Da Da Da

So many things

So many things to say, so many words to utter. But not even one word seems to come out from  my mouth. So many things been boggling my mind. So hard to struggle with everything in life lately. The ups and downs in life. 

When you can't even say anything to anyone. When not even a single person seems to understand. Trying so hard to pour everything to anyone but ending up keeping everything to myself.

Biar hanya tulisan berbicara. Biar hanya kalam ini menjadi saksinya. Biar semua menjadi rahsia. Biar Tuhan menjadi perantara.

Mari menjaga hati

ღ~ Sebab kita cuma punya satu hati ~ღ

Jiwa kacau

...

I need a timeout

This is life

Whenever I feel lost in life atau rasa macam serba tak kena je, I will always go back to my blog. This is the place where I always feel like home. I grow up with blogging. Zaman masa muda2 dulu blogging kat friendster saja, which was waaaay back in around 2004? Or 2005? Yang penting dah lebih kurang 10 tahun jugak aku blogging. Blogs, they watch me grow. From those childish posts sampai laa sekarang post yang tak berapa nak matured ni haha. Kalau tengok my first post kat blog ni pun masa tahun 2008. Around december. Well masa aku masih kat Centre For Foundation Studies (CENFOS) dulu or should be called matrik uia. Gigih je aku taip panjang2 nama haha. 

I don't know what is it, really, has been happening to me. Kadang2 rasa serabut, kadang tu rasa macam ok pulak. Tak tau laa kenapa recently. If only hidup ni macam games ke apa. Bila kita rasa tak best ke apa, or the chances of survival is really low, we can just hit the quit button and restart a new game. Well life isn't all like that. When we have chose an option, what we got to do is to just proceed with that option. Some kind of... no turning back? Tapi biasa lah. Semuanya mematangkan. Semua bagi kita pengajaran hidup. Whether what we have gone through is right or wrong, bad or good. Everything has it's own reason.

Dalam hidup kita akan terus belajar. Sama ada belajar dari kesilapan sendiri atau ambil pengajaran dari kesilapan orang. Kadang tu kita tak dapat nak bezakan antara baik dan buruk. Kita rasa macam benda tu baik je untuk kita buat, tak ada masalah. But guess what? Sebenarnya apa yang kita buat tu salah sekali. Bila dah terantuk, baru nak terngadah. Baru nak pikir, eh, salah ke apa aku buat ni? Tapi ni semua, belum terlambat kita nak baiki kesilapan kita. Manusia sentiasa ada peluang nak baiki keadaan.  

Apa2 pun at certain point of my life, baru la kadang tu aku akan terdiam. Baru la aku akan terfikir segala tindak tanduk aku selama ni bagi kesan ke kat orang lain? And apa pulak kesannya kat diri aku sendiri? Lama berfikir baru nak tengok consequences of my own act. Mungkin laa manusia kena banyak kali terantuk baru dia nak sedar akan kesilapan diri sendiri. Baru aku boleh sedar, what I did was wrong. Why did I do this? Why did I do that? Kadang kita manusia, tak nampak kita tengah buat kesilapan.

Well aku sebenarnya dah tak nampak hala tuju post aku sekarang ni. Just few words need to be out of my mind so laju je laa aku tekan keyboard. Moga fasa keserabutan ni berlalu dengan cepat. Moga aku jadi lebih matang dengan melalui fasa keserabutan ni semua. Moga semuanya baik2 sahaja.

Aku rasa macam tau je punca kenapa aku rasa serabut tapi kadang rasa macam tak tau kenapa aku nak menyerabut.

Well, a woman's mind is like a maze. Try to explore, and you might get lost. Till next time

Rasa kehilangan

I don't know somehow aku rasa macam kehilangan kut. Tu yang aku rasa sedih sangat since last night sampai laa tadi. Aku rasa kehilangan tempat nak bergosip, tempat nak mengadu segala masalah, teman sudi borak bila aku rasa sunyi. Teman yang jujur bila aku appear to pretty that day atau aku appear to be looking awful. Rasa macam hilang semua tu. That's why aku rasa sedih. Walhal sepatutnya aku rasa gembira dengan berita yang diterima. Aku rasa mungkin macam kehilangan a best friend where I tell my good and bad news. Aku rasa macam kehilangan seorang abang mungkin? Mungkin lah, rasa kehilangan. That's why I hate this feeling. I should be happy for you my dear brother. But then please bear with me currently who are emotionally unstable.

Apa2 pun with that recent good news, am sorry for not being able to be totally happy for you. I should be very happy. So yes, here I am very happy for you dear my older brother. May Allah bless you with everything and I pray may Allah give you the rahmat and hidayah in your life. 

Ikhlas, from your little sister :)

Goodbye, and be happy

I am closing everything. I am closing my walls. Everything. Goodbye, and be happy.

How can I open up my heart?

People always been wondering, kenapa aku sampai sekarang masih single mingle gitew. Day after day. Year after year. Finally dah sampai umur where most of my ex-classmates will be getting married this year. Question that people been asking eversince benda sama je. Sampai bila nak single? Bila nak kahwin?

Well let me simplify it for you. Some people, Allah mudahkan bahagian dia. Allah mungkin tak bagi dia kesenangan untuk jumpa kerja tapi Allah mudahkan tang jodoh, tang anak. Same goes for me. Mungkin lah Allah mudahkan aku dalam rezeki dari segi kewangan tapi Allah bagi ujian dari segi mencari jodoh.

Well, an honest speaking, nak kata takde orang nak aku tu, tipu sangatlah. Nak kata tak ada langsung yang aku terpikat pun, tipu sangatlah. Ada orang dia jumpa orang dia suka, Allah mudahkan dengan buat dia terjumpa orang yang suka dia balik, and terus kahwin. Well ada jugak yang diuji dengan berjumpa dengan someone yang dia rasa sesuai, tapi Allah beratkan dari segi kemudahan berkahwin tu. Perjalanan hidup setiap insan kan berbeza. Kita lebih kat situ, kita mungkin terkurang kat sini, betul tak?

Am I a bit picky when it comes to a guy? Yes probably. Pengalaman dulu mengajar aku. Someone said to me, kalau tunggu laki tu take action and kita diam je, memang sampai bila la tak jumpa jodoh. Well I used to once did before, aku memang suka gila this one particular guy, and in many ways, aku bagi perhatian istimewa kat dia. Tolong dia itu ini. But I don't even know whether dia realized ke tak yang aku selalu je bagi perhatian kat apa dia buat. To tell you the truth, I had fallen head over heels jugak la over this one guy. And in return, bukan saja aku tak dapat perhatian yang aku nak, he also admitted that he don't even want any commitment right at that moment though he also invested feelings for me too. I told him that I could wait. But he told me, nu'uh, you should not wait for me. I was overly disappointed with that and yes, I gave up my whole feeling on this one particular guy. So there you go. First time aku bukak cerita ni kat public. Well this means that I could not care anymore so I am rather happy to open up this kind of story.

So I can say it this way, I am tired in chasing for a guy. Some people doesn't get tired at all. They keep on trying. What has happened before, itu cerita dulu. 3-4 tahun yang sudah. But that one whole year I suffered chasing, sekarang ni aku dah macam build a defense keliling aku. Myself, my heart refused to suffer the same way ever again. I don't let anyone in that easily. Rather, I always build a gap between me with any guy to prevent myself to get hurt ever again. I don't fall in love that easily, like I used before. Maybe this explains why I don't get involve with those guys yang tunjuk interest dengan aku. Probably the wall is too thick to be broken. Ramai tunjuk interest but end up giving up without even trying. Mungkin the lack of response that I gave them back kot. Mereka just tunjuk effort sikit then bila no response, gave up on me too.

Probably I am at fault. I don't open up my heart. I keep my walls all close. I don't let people enter my life easily. Afraid of getting hurt all over again, I restrain myself from approaching people. I restrain myself from giving people a chance. 

Sampai bila nak macam ni? Hmm entah laa taktau. Aku mungkin dah kena start buat istikharah kut. Mintak petunjuk apa kena buat. Kadang tu buntu jugak. My life is going in the same cycle over and over again. Entah bila nak settle down. Kahwin, beranak. Honest speaking, aku takut jadi macam mereka yang tak kahwin langsung sampai ke tua. I am afraid of that feeling growing old all alone. I am afraid that my age is keeping on increasing tanpa ada tanda yang aku dah jumpa my soulmate of my life. I am so afraid of everything. Am always crying for help from dearest friends but what can they do? This is the wall that only myself can break it. Ain't anyone can really help.

Hoping that someday, I will find someone who is right for me. Who can guide me through life. Correcting me when I do wrong. Who can guide me with the ad-deen, my religion, be my imam. Someone who will always be there whenever I need him. Who always there to help and protect me. Someone who understand me and accept me for the way I am. Not chasing for just another pretty face. I ain't gonna all dolled up forever. I will age too. I don't do make up all the time. I can't always be all pretty. I will be messy sometimes too. If you can't accept me the way I am, I ain't gonna give any heart to you. 

Someday, maybe someday. Maybe.

Learn to treat people the you want people to treat you

I always do that actually. When people are nice to me, I'll be even more nicer to them. When people always acting like a jerk towards me, expect something worse. I don't know. I tend to act the way how people treat me. This is just me and I just can't change. So yeah, the way I treated you, it reflected perfectly how you always treated me. Some people just could not understand, if you really want people to be nice towards you, simple, you should act nicely too. Don't be such a fool jerk okay? 

But yeah if people treated me badly, I should just in return, treat them nicely. We should always act nicely to people, kan? But most of the time, am a human. I can't always act nice.

Merajuk :(

One of my huge problems is aku ni tend to merajuk. Tak tau laa maybe aku ni oversensitive ke atau sebab apa. But the problem is bila aku merajuk dengan family members ke apa, they tend to ignore me. I just don't know why. I am a simple person. Yes, memang aku senang merajuk tapi aku ni senang nak kena pujuk. Say a simple word macam I'm sorry ke atau bila aku merajuk tu tanya laa dah makan ke belum, senang je aku cool down. Sebab bila aku merajuk, aku selalu mogok laa, tanak makan. Hati sedih memang tak lalu la nak makan. Tapi selalu nya, tend to ignore me. Kalau dulu2 aku akan tunjuk tantrum, tunjuk betul2 yang aku merajuk. Tapi aku yang sekarang, diamkan je la pastu nangis sorang2 dalam bilik. 

Mungkin sebab aku anak bongsu kut, suka perhatian. Bila aku merajuk, aku senang dipujuk. Tapi sekarang ni, takde siapa yang nak pujuk. I iz sad :(

Just a little life update :)

For the sake of someone at the office, finally rasa nak update sikit kat blog ni hehe. A person requested me to at least have a little update for this blog. Not that much of update, just to let the world know, that I am still alive haha.

Current life? Aku sekarang ni dah kerja kat office somewhere in Damansara Perdana. Need not to mention the office name, kang google2 tak memasal orang stumble upon blog aku bila search pasal company aku haha. 

Kerja biasa laa, cant really expect to be smooth. Ada laa hole sana sini but up till now aku okay je nak bawak. Put aside the work stuffs, apa yang buatkan aku betul2 semangat kerja kat sini is the working environment, and the people ;)

Words cant express how I am very thankful for these good people that have been surrounding me here in the office. Aku rasa work is tough sometimes but the encouragement and endless support from dearest officemates buat aku rasa tak putus asa nak kerja kat sini. The way they care, the way they supported, the way they help me, I am very thankful with that. And also the way they protected me. Rasa memang susah nak jumpa lagi environment macam ni kat ofis lain. Sampai aku anggap every person in my department is like my own brother. They are like my own family.

Life is good currently. Tak ada laa masalah gila besar sampai jadi beban just a little crook here and there. Will be heading to 25 years old this coming july. Calon nak ajak kawen? Masih belum jumpa. Still single and available ahaha perlu kau gigih nak mention tu haa? Kerja dah almost 6 bulan. I work and have fun at the same time. I enjoy spending time after work with my friends. But every day also going through the same process over and over again. Bangun, kerja, then tido. Ulang proses 5 hari seminggu haha.

Because this post is just for the sake of updating, so sampai sini je laa. Next time I might come up with some other story. Till next time peeps ;)

Kim Heechul

Hoping that this guy will come again for SS6 in Malaysia!