How can I open up my heart?

People always been wondering, kenapa aku sampai sekarang masih single mingle gitew. Day after day. Year after year. Finally dah sampai umur where most of my ex-classmates will be getting married this year. Question that people been asking eversince benda sama je. Sampai bila nak single? Bila nak kahwin?

Well let me simplify it for you. Some people, Allah mudahkan bahagian dia. Allah mungkin tak bagi dia kesenangan untuk jumpa kerja tapi Allah mudahkan tang jodoh, tang anak. Same goes for me. Mungkin lah Allah mudahkan aku dalam rezeki dari segi kewangan tapi Allah bagi ujian dari segi mencari jodoh.

Well, an honest speaking, nak kata takde orang nak aku tu, tipu sangatlah. Nak kata tak ada langsung yang aku terpikat pun, tipu sangatlah. Ada orang dia jumpa orang dia suka, Allah mudahkan dengan buat dia terjumpa orang yang suka dia balik, and terus kahwin. Well ada jugak yang diuji dengan berjumpa dengan someone yang dia rasa sesuai, tapi Allah beratkan dari segi kemudahan berkahwin tu. Perjalanan hidup setiap insan kan berbeza. Kita lebih kat situ, kita mungkin terkurang kat sini, betul tak?

Am I a bit picky when it comes to a guy? Yes probably. Pengalaman dulu mengajar aku. Someone said to me, kalau tunggu laki tu take action and kita diam je, memang sampai bila la tak jumpa jodoh. Well I used to once did before, aku memang suka gila this one particular guy, and in many ways, aku bagi perhatian istimewa kat dia. Tolong dia itu ini. But I don't even know whether dia realized ke tak yang aku selalu je bagi perhatian kat apa dia buat. To tell you the truth, I had fallen head over heels jugak la over this one guy. And in return, bukan saja aku tak dapat perhatian yang aku nak, he also admitted that he don't even want any commitment right at that moment though he also invested feelings for me too. I told him that I could wait. But he told me, nu'uh, you should not wait for me. I was overly disappointed with that and yes, I gave up my whole feeling on this one particular guy. So there you go. First time aku bukak cerita ni kat public. Well this means that I could not care anymore so I am rather happy to open up this kind of story.

So I can say it this way, I am tired in chasing for a guy. Some people doesn't get tired at all. They keep on trying. What has happened before, itu cerita dulu. 3-4 tahun yang sudah. But that one whole year I suffered chasing, sekarang ni aku dah macam build a defense keliling aku. Myself, my heart refused to suffer the same way ever again. I don't let anyone in that easily. Rather, I always build a gap between me with any guy to prevent myself to get hurt ever again. I don't fall in love that easily, like I used before. Maybe this explains why I don't get involve with those guys yang tunjuk interest dengan aku. Probably the wall is too thick to be broken. Ramai tunjuk interest but end up giving up without even trying. Mungkin the lack of response that I gave them back kot. Mereka just tunjuk effort sikit then bila no response, gave up on me too.

Probably I am at fault. I don't open up my heart. I keep my walls all close. I don't let people enter my life easily. Afraid of getting hurt all over again, I restrain myself from approaching people. I restrain myself from giving people a chance. 

Sampai bila nak macam ni? Hmm entah laa taktau. Aku mungkin dah kena start buat istikharah kut. Mintak petunjuk apa kena buat. Kadang tu buntu jugak. My life is going in the same cycle over and over again. Entah bila nak settle down. Kahwin, beranak. Honest speaking, aku takut jadi macam mereka yang tak kahwin langsung sampai ke tua. I am afraid of that feeling growing old all alone. I am afraid that my age is keeping on increasing tanpa ada tanda yang aku dah jumpa my soulmate of my life. I am so afraid of everything. Am always crying for help from dearest friends but what can they do? This is the wall that only myself can break it. Ain't anyone can really help.

Hoping that someday, I will find someone who is right for me. Who can guide me through life. Correcting me when I do wrong. Who can guide me with the ad-deen, my religion, be my imam. Someone who will always be there whenever I need him. Who always there to help and protect me. Someone who understand me and accept me for the way I am. Not chasing for just another pretty face. I ain't gonna all dolled up forever. I will age too. I don't do make up all the time. I can't always be all pretty. I will be messy sometimes too. If you can't accept me the way I am, I ain't gonna give any heart to you. 

Someday, maybe someday. Maybe.