So many things

So many things to say, so many words to utter. But not even one word seems to come out from  my mouth. So many things been boggling my mind. So hard to struggle with everything in life lately. The ups and downs in life. 

When you can't even say anything to anyone. When not even a single person seems to understand. Trying so hard to pour everything to anyone but ending up keeping everything to myself.

Biar hanya tulisan berbicara. Biar hanya kalam ini menjadi saksinya. Biar semua menjadi rahsia. Biar Tuhan menjadi perantara.

Mari menjaga hati

ღ~ Sebab kita cuma punya satu hati ~ღ

Jiwa kacau

...

I need a timeout

This is life

Whenever I feel lost in life atau rasa macam serba tak kena je, I will always go back to my blog. This is the place where I always feel like home. I grow up with blogging. Zaman masa muda2 dulu blogging kat friendster saja, which was waaaay back in around 2004? Or 2005? Yang penting dah lebih kurang 10 tahun jugak aku blogging. Blogs, they watch me grow. From those childish posts sampai laa sekarang post yang tak berapa nak matured ni haha. Kalau tengok my first post kat blog ni pun masa tahun 2008. Around december. Well masa aku masih kat Centre For Foundation Studies (CENFOS) dulu or should be called matrik uia. Gigih je aku taip panjang2 nama haha. 

I don't know what is it, really, has been happening to me. Kadang2 rasa serabut, kadang tu rasa macam ok pulak. Tak tau laa kenapa recently. If only hidup ni macam games ke apa. Bila kita rasa tak best ke apa, or the chances of survival is really low, we can just hit the quit button and restart a new game. Well life isn't all like that. When we have chose an option, what we got to do is to just proceed with that option. Some kind of... no turning back? Tapi biasa lah. Semuanya mematangkan. Semua bagi kita pengajaran hidup. Whether what we have gone through is right or wrong, bad or good. Everything has it's own reason.

Dalam hidup kita akan terus belajar. Sama ada belajar dari kesilapan sendiri atau ambil pengajaran dari kesilapan orang. Kadang tu kita tak dapat nak bezakan antara baik dan buruk. Kita rasa macam benda tu baik je untuk kita buat, tak ada masalah. But guess what? Sebenarnya apa yang kita buat tu salah sekali. Bila dah terantuk, baru nak terngadah. Baru nak pikir, eh, salah ke apa aku buat ni? Tapi ni semua, belum terlambat kita nak baiki kesilapan kita. Manusia sentiasa ada peluang nak baiki keadaan.  

Apa2 pun at certain point of my life, baru la kadang tu aku akan terdiam. Baru la aku akan terfikir segala tindak tanduk aku selama ni bagi kesan ke kat orang lain? And apa pulak kesannya kat diri aku sendiri? Lama berfikir baru nak tengok consequences of my own act. Mungkin laa manusia kena banyak kali terantuk baru dia nak sedar akan kesilapan diri sendiri. Baru aku boleh sedar, what I did was wrong. Why did I do this? Why did I do that? Kadang kita manusia, tak nampak kita tengah buat kesilapan.

Well aku sebenarnya dah tak nampak hala tuju post aku sekarang ni. Just few words need to be out of my mind so laju je laa aku tekan keyboard. Moga fasa keserabutan ni berlalu dengan cepat. Moga aku jadi lebih matang dengan melalui fasa keserabutan ni semua. Moga semuanya baik2 sahaja.

Aku rasa macam tau je punca kenapa aku rasa serabut tapi kadang rasa macam tak tau kenapa aku nak menyerabut.

Well, a woman's mind is like a maze. Try to explore, and you might get lost. Till next time

Rasa kehilangan

I don't know somehow aku rasa macam kehilangan kut. Tu yang aku rasa sedih sangat since last night sampai laa tadi. Aku rasa kehilangan tempat nak bergosip, tempat nak mengadu segala masalah, teman sudi borak bila aku rasa sunyi. Teman yang jujur bila aku appear to pretty that day atau aku appear to be looking awful. Rasa macam hilang semua tu. That's why aku rasa sedih. Walhal sepatutnya aku rasa gembira dengan berita yang diterima. Aku rasa mungkin macam kehilangan a best friend where I tell my good and bad news. Aku rasa macam kehilangan seorang abang mungkin? Mungkin lah, rasa kehilangan. That's why I hate this feeling. I should be happy for you my dear brother. But then please bear with me currently who are emotionally unstable.

Apa2 pun with that recent good news, am sorry for not being able to be totally happy for you. I should be very happy. So yes, here I am very happy for you dear my older brother. May Allah bless you with everything and I pray may Allah give you the rahmat and hidayah in your life. 

Ikhlas, from your little sister :)

Goodbye, and be happy

I am closing everything. I am closing my walls. Everything. Goodbye, and be happy.

How can I open up my heart?

People always been wondering, kenapa aku sampai sekarang masih single mingle gitew. Day after day. Year after year. Finally dah sampai umur where most of my ex-classmates will be getting married this year. Question that people been asking eversince benda sama je. Sampai bila nak single? Bila nak kahwin?

Well let me simplify it for you. Some people, Allah mudahkan bahagian dia. Allah mungkin tak bagi dia kesenangan untuk jumpa kerja tapi Allah mudahkan tang jodoh, tang anak. Same goes for me. Mungkin lah Allah mudahkan aku dalam rezeki dari segi kewangan tapi Allah bagi ujian dari segi mencari jodoh.

Well, an honest speaking, nak kata takde orang nak aku tu, tipu sangatlah. Nak kata tak ada langsung yang aku terpikat pun, tipu sangatlah. Ada orang dia jumpa orang dia suka, Allah mudahkan dengan buat dia terjumpa orang yang suka dia balik, and terus kahwin. Well ada jugak yang diuji dengan berjumpa dengan someone yang dia rasa sesuai, tapi Allah beratkan dari segi kemudahan berkahwin tu. Perjalanan hidup setiap insan kan berbeza. Kita lebih kat situ, kita mungkin terkurang kat sini, betul tak?

Am I a bit picky when it comes to a guy? Yes probably. Pengalaman dulu mengajar aku. Someone said to me, kalau tunggu laki tu take action and kita diam je, memang sampai bila la tak jumpa jodoh. Well I used to once did before, aku memang suka gila this one particular guy, and in many ways, aku bagi perhatian istimewa kat dia. Tolong dia itu ini. But I don't even know whether dia realized ke tak yang aku selalu je bagi perhatian kat apa dia buat. To tell you the truth, I had fallen head over heels jugak la over this one guy. And in return, bukan saja aku tak dapat perhatian yang aku nak, he also admitted that he don't even want any commitment right at that moment though he also invested feelings for me too. I told him that I could wait. But he told me, nu'uh, you should not wait for me. I was overly disappointed with that and yes, I gave up my whole feeling on this one particular guy. So there you go. First time aku bukak cerita ni kat public. Well this means that I could not care anymore so I am rather happy to open up this kind of story.

So I can say it this way, I am tired in chasing for a guy. Some people doesn't get tired at all. They keep on trying. What has happened before, itu cerita dulu. 3-4 tahun yang sudah. But that one whole year I suffered chasing, sekarang ni aku dah macam build a defense keliling aku. Myself, my heart refused to suffer the same way ever again. I don't let anyone in that easily. Rather, I always build a gap between me with any guy to prevent myself to get hurt ever again. I don't fall in love that easily, like I used before. Maybe this explains why I don't get involve with those guys yang tunjuk interest dengan aku. Probably the wall is too thick to be broken. Ramai tunjuk interest but end up giving up without even trying. Mungkin the lack of response that I gave them back kot. Mereka just tunjuk effort sikit then bila no response, gave up on me too.

Probably I am at fault. I don't open up my heart. I keep my walls all close. I don't let people enter my life easily. Afraid of getting hurt all over again, I restrain myself from approaching people. I restrain myself from giving people a chance. 

Sampai bila nak macam ni? Hmm entah laa taktau. Aku mungkin dah kena start buat istikharah kut. Mintak petunjuk apa kena buat. Kadang tu buntu jugak. My life is going in the same cycle over and over again. Entah bila nak settle down. Kahwin, beranak. Honest speaking, aku takut jadi macam mereka yang tak kahwin langsung sampai ke tua. I am afraid of that feeling growing old all alone. I am afraid that my age is keeping on increasing tanpa ada tanda yang aku dah jumpa my soulmate of my life. I am so afraid of everything. Am always crying for help from dearest friends but what can they do? This is the wall that only myself can break it. Ain't anyone can really help.

Hoping that someday, I will find someone who is right for me. Who can guide me through life. Correcting me when I do wrong. Who can guide me with the ad-deen, my religion, be my imam. Someone who will always be there whenever I need him. Who always there to help and protect me. Someone who understand me and accept me for the way I am. Not chasing for just another pretty face. I ain't gonna all dolled up forever. I will age too. I don't do make up all the time. I can't always be all pretty. I will be messy sometimes too. If you can't accept me the way I am, I ain't gonna give any heart to you. 

Someday, maybe someday. Maybe.

Learn to treat people the you want people to treat you

I always do that actually. When people are nice to me, I'll be even more nicer to them. When people always acting like a jerk towards me, expect something worse. I don't know. I tend to act the way how people treat me. This is just me and I just can't change. So yeah, the way I treated you, it reflected perfectly how you always treated me. Some people just could not understand, if you really want people to be nice towards you, simple, you should act nicely too. Don't be such a fool jerk okay? 

But yeah if people treated me badly, I should just in return, treat them nicely. We should always act nicely to people, kan? But most of the time, am a human. I can't always act nice.