Thursday, March 12, 2009

if i'm not wrong, the spm results will be out today right? haha spm was something ya know? though my spm results not as colorful as i want it to be. it's a painful memory of getting spm results for some people including me. I guess, i'm the kind who matured really late. won't realize that there's something wrong until i get slapped by something. "Dah terantuk baru terngadah" is what the old folks said.

getting the spm results is rather one of the most painful experiences i had in my own life. though i don't suck that badly but still how to survived to face up those old people from my father's side whom most of them are the teachers with only 2A's in hand? Yeah, with almost all i got B's, and i only have 2A's in hand. pain, isn't it?

i cried badly with the results. not to blame anyone but my ownself for not studying properly. blame my ownself to think that this world consist only me and i'm the main character in the world so i need not to worry what will happen to me even when i failed badly. the childish thoughts of me at that time do somehow kills me in some ways. i'm seriously late at maturing. though i didn't say that i have matured enough these recent days (well most of my friends called me the childish one. bila nk besar nih???), but still i think my ownself have really grown from the one from the secondary school. i think i have matured more. and will keep my self to be more matured in the future.

anyway, despite the bad results for spm, i do managed to get myslef in Kolej Matrikulasi Melaka. and I'm not ashamed to admit that i'm the two years programme student. even the memories only lasted for 1 month, it does means something to me. i feel the new life, as in living far away from parents and need to survive on my ownself. and there, i learn new things, called friends. yeah, i don't have that much of friends back then from school. only remain, some cool people whom i know for a long time. but thats it. i admit i was really a sucker when i was in secondary school. i was a loner, i don't talk that much and only talk to people who are close to me. people in matrik melaka does means something to me though i was still can't talk that much in class. i remember metting with nadirah, which i called her nadd, my very first room mate. and my other 2 ex-roommies, niza and kak azira. nadd and i were rather quite close that time considering she was my roommate and at the same time, she was my classmate too. we were placed in the same group. and i remember the experience of the first time having boys as my classmates. boys are rather... naughty and... noisy. haha. better not to be mad at me. going through 5 years of having not a single boys as my classmates do makes me feel like katak bawah tempurung. and yeah I have problems in mixing with them though. it's really tough to talk to them, well, up till now. so sorry to some people whom i kinda ignored when they talk to me. i will feel as nervous as i can be when i talk to the guys.

spending 1 month there do creates a bond that feels really tight. with nadd, siti and niza, we were closed. we often cooked the maggi together and we will eat them together. i will remember those days. the days when we don't have any foods left and only have maggi. getting foods and stuffs there are rather hard. we need to go for outing every weekend to find stuffs cuz we don't have kiosk there. haha those days...

well, because of the close bond we had, when the time of let go comes, i have the hard feeling of doing it. it took a super real hard decision for me in choosing between matrik melaka and uia when the offer letter from uia comes. i cried many times because of this. i only got 1 day to think over it and yeah it's real hard. i was a real cry baby at that time. even my sister is kind of snapped at me for being such a cry baby. i seriously love matrik melaka at that time and the feeling of not letting it go is here in my heart. well, my parents do seriously insists me to go for uia. "Lagi dekat dari melaka, kan senang? eda (my sis) pon ade kat situ. leh tolong jaga" that's what they said. after a lot of advice from family and close friends at that time, it's finally the time of letting go. i cried my self to sleep on the night before i go. with friends beside me, hugging me. ah.... that time seriously... i feel embarrased haha. i was such a baby. i was sent off by my colleagues. at first i didn't feel that sad. i just wave goodbyes to them and... off.

well, first day in uia rather... hectic. and at that time i finally realizes that i won't and won't be back to matrik melaka to meet my friends anymore. and here comes the feeling of hesitation on being here in uia. i start to think is that the real right choice of choosing uia? making decision is rather a real tough things to do in my whole entire life. i really despise making decisions. and my feeling of hesitation becomes worst when i step my self to my new room in uia. ZC 425A. i was placed there. it's the fourth floor which seems to be like the fifth floor to me and it's seriously small with 4 people are packed in there. seriously small! just to compare to matrik melaka, we can even have the ping pong table in the middle of the room. here in ZC, even we want to pass by each other in the middle of the room, it's a hard thing to do. making me feel want to be back to melaka again. that night, i cried my self to sleep again. i rather cried a lot when i was in semester one. it tooks me forever to fit my ownself in the new environment. i even brag to my father to have me back at matrik melaka but then, once i'm off from there, it's over. i was so simple minded kept thinking that i can go back to matrik melaka once again. and no. life is not that simple, right? at that time finally i realizes that we will not always get what we want. not everything will flow the way we want. well just for additional notes, i was brought to met the counselor at that time. it was rather tough.

but luckily i get great room mates there. though at first i feel kind of left out because everyone is from kelantan except for me. well, 2 of them were a level 6 starter for english. but everyone is in BEN, left me alone. well at that time i know nothing about the courses in uia so i kept thinking, what the hell is BEN??! haha.. i was seriously slow that time. knows nothing about uia even though i got a sister there. well, up till now i will still remember the precious memories with ruqayyah, mira and madihah. those people who thought me something about life and more about friendship. 3 months with them is something. the fun that we had together as room mates. the waking up together at night to gossip and joking together. but well, it's rather hard for me for being the only engin student that time and needs to worry all the time. they are kind of carefree people. well, for being in BEN. lefting me alone struggling for engineering.

it was tough, there in engineering. for being the second intake students and need to catch up with the first intakes and having our very first mid-sem paper at that time. my first paper was only after a month we are there. and guess what? i failed the physics paper at that time. (when looking at the physics result here in ict, A- is something la wehh) haha. most of the girls failed at that time though. only one of us passed. well considering that we don't have that much of time to study, it's forgiven.. not! hehe. i remember sir taiful who taught us at that time. well i only understand 10% of his teaching though. i'm a sucker la weh at that time.

first sem don't go really well and comes the second sem which seems to be getting not better. the same worse as the first sem. i seem not to realize that i need to do something with my results. i keep on playing and not paying attention in class (even though now i don't seem to paying my attention when miss sharifah was teaching at the front. she talk to much. i just can't seem to keep up with her). well at that time i laughed at my lecturer when she was teaching at the front. was suuuuch a brat. still didn't realize that i will be in trouble for not getting the good results. well just to mention their names, mona, faizah and shireen were lovely room mates. mona was my classmate for the whole 2 long semesters. my gossips with them are far more worst hahaha.

after getting such bad results in sem 2, i finally realize that i need to do something. at that time i already applied for ict because i seriously despise engineering that much because of some lecturers. didn't want to mention more cuz it will only hurt my feeling more. then, i start to rise up in sem 3. i finally realize the goodness of lecturers in class and finally found my way of studying steadily. and seriously i want to thank miss azlina (well right now she's a madam) for teaching me at that time and i passed my math 2 with quite a flying colors. even though with only A- la kan haha. i feel quite shock when madam mimi told me that math2 is the toughest one in ict. well, i don't think so. i seriosly think that math 1 is worst la kan. i only managed to get B+ for that.

and right now, i feel satisfied with my ownself. for having myself struggled in order not to see any C in my results( though rite i feel kind of worried with my btq. my carry marks was rather quite low). believe it or not, for all this struggling and everything, 95% of them are for my parents. only 5% of them i done it for my ownself. my father was once called a genius so i will feel really ashamed with my ownself for not proving that I am one of his daugthers. i would rather not to disappoint him anymore. cuz i love bot of my parents more than anything in this world (well Allah and His prophet is number one) but parents to me are everything. if i did it for my own sake, i won't even bother to get good results, at all. seriously, i won't have this kind of determination without them.

people can change, even my ownself. but yeah, i was a slacker, and will forever be a slacker hehe. kept doing the howeworks late, often not realizing that there are quizzes coming unless were told by friends, and keep delaying doing everything. anyway. just want to improve my self more so insya Allah will have a nice changes at gombak.

fuhh that was rather a long entry. my finger hurts and i'm hungry so next post here i come....

p/s: results will be out in around 10 days. pray hard for a success :)

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