How can I open up my heart?

People always been wondering, kenapa aku sampai sekarang masih single mingle gitew. Day after day. Year after year. Finally dah sampai umur where most of my ex-classmates will be getting married this year. Question that people been asking eversince benda sama je. Sampai bila nak single? Bila nak kahwin?

Well let me simplify it for you. Some people, Allah mudahkan bahagian dia. Allah mungkin tak bagi dia kesenangan untuk jumpa kerja tapi Allah mudahkan tang jodoh, tang anak. Same goes for me. Mungkin lah Allah mudahkan aku dalam rezeki dari segi kewangan tapi Allah bagi ujian dari segi mencari jodoh.

Well, an honest speaking, nak kata takde orang nak aku tu, tipu sangatlah. Nak kata tak ada langsung yang aku terpikat pun, tipu sangatlah. Ada orang dia jumpa orang dia suka, Allah mudahkan dengan buat dia terjumpa orang yang suka dia balik, and terus kahwin. Well ada jugak yang diuji dengan berjumpa dengan someone yang dia rasa sesuai, tapi Allah beratkan dari segi kemudahan berkahwin tu. Perjalanan hidup setiap insan kan berbeza. Kita lebih kat situ, kita mungkin terkurang kat sini, betul tak?

Am I a bit picky when it comes to a guy? Yes probably. Pengalaman dulu mengajar aku. Someone said to me, kalau tunggu laki tu take action and kita diam je, memang sampai bila la tak jumpa jodoh. Well I used to once did before, aku memang suka gila this one particular guy, and in many ways, aku bagi perhatian istimewa kat dia. Tolong dia itu ini. But I don't even know whether dia realized ke tak yang aku selalu je bagi perhatian kat apa dia buat. To tell you the truth, I had fallen head over heels jugak la over this one guy. And in return, bukan saja aku tak dapat perhatian yang aku nak, he also admitted that he don't even want any commitment right at that moment though he also invested feelings for me too. I told him that I could wait. But he told me, nu'uh, you should not wait for me. I was overly disappointed with that and yes, I gave up my whole feeling on this one particular guy. So there you go. First time aku bukak cerita ni kat public. Well this means that I could not care anymore so I am rather happy to open up this kind of story.

So I can say it this way, I am tired in chasing for a guy. Some people doesn't get tired at all. They keep on trying. What has happened before, itu cerita dulu. 3-4 tahun yang sudah. But that one whole year I suffered chasing, sekarang ni aku dah macam build a defense keliling aku. Myself, my heart refused to suffer the same way ever again. I don't let anyone in that easily. Rather, I always build a gap between me with any guy to prevent myself to get hurt ever again. I don't fall in love that easily, like I used before. Maybe this explains why I don't get involve with those guys yang tunjuk interest dengan aku. Probably the wall is too thick to be broken. Ramai tunjuk interest but end up giving up without even trying. Mungkin the lack of response that I gave them back kot. Mereka just tunjuk effort sikit then bila no response, gave up on me too.

Probably I am at fault. I don't open up my heart. I keep my walls all close. I don't let people enter my life easily. Afraid of getting hurt all over again, I restrain myself from approaching people. I restrain myself from giving people a chance. 

Sampai bila nak macam ni? Hmm entah laa taktau. Aku mungkin dah kena start buat istikharah kut. Mintak petunjuk apa kena buat. Kadang tu buntu jugak. My life is going in the same cycle over and over again. Entah bila nak settle down. Kahwin, beranak. Honest speaking, aku takut jadi macam mereka yang tak kahwin langsung sampai ke tua. I am afraid of that feeling growing old all alone. I am afraid that my age is keeping on increasing tanpa ada tanda yang aku dah jumpa my soulmate of my life. I am so afraid of everything. Am always crying for help from dearest friends but what can they do? This is the wall that only myself can break it. Ain't anyone can really help.

Hoping that someday, I will find someone who is right for me. Who can guide me through life. Correcting me when I do wrong. Who can guide me with the ad-deen, my religion, be my imam. Someone who will always be there whenever I need him. Who always there to help and protect me. Someone who understand me and accept me for the way I am. Not chasing for just another pretty face. I ain't gonna all dolled up forever. I will age too. I don't do make up all the time. I can't always be all pretty. I will be messy sometimes too. If you can't accept me the way I am, I ain't gonna give any heart to you. 

Someday, maybe someday. Maybe.

Learn to treat people the you want people to treat you

I always do that actually. When people are nice to me, I'll be even more nicer to them. When people always acting like a jerk towards me, expect something worse. I don't know. I tend to act the way how people treat me. This is just me and I just can't change. So yeah, the way I treated you, it reflected perfectly how you always treated me. Some people just could not understand, if you really want people to be nice towards you, simple, you should act nicely too. Don't be such a fool jerk okay? 

But yeah if people treated me badly, I should just in return, treat them nicely. We should always act nicely to people, kan? But most of the time, am a human. I can't always act nice.

Merajuk :(

One of my huge problems is aku ni tend to merajuk. Tak tau laa maybe aku ni oversensitive ke atau sebab apa. But the problem is bila aku merajuk dengan family members ke apa, they tend to ignore me. I just don't know why. I am a simple person. Yes, memang aku senang merajuk tapi aku ni senang nak kena pujuk. Say a simple word macam I'm sorry ke atau bila aku merajuk tu tanya laa dah makan ke belum, senang je aku cool down. Sebab bila aku merajuk, aku selalu mogok laa, tanak makan. Hati sedih memang tak lalu la nak makan. Tapi selalu nya, tend to ignore me. Kalau dulu2 aku akan tunjuk tantrum, tunjuk betul2 yang aku merajuk. Tapi aku yang sekarang, diamkan je la pastu nangis sorang2 dalam bilik. 

Mungkin sebab aku anak bongsu kut, suka perhatian. Bila aku merajuk, aku senang dipujuk. Tapi sekarang ni, takde siapa yang nak pujuk. I iz sad :(

Just a little life update :)

For the sake of someone at the office, finally rasa nak update sikit kat blog ni hehe. A person requested me to at least have a little update for this blog. Not that much of update, just to let the world know, that I am still alive haha.

Current life? Aku sekarang ni dah kerja kat office somewhere in Damansara Perdana. Need not to mention the office name, kang google2 tak memasal orang stumble upon blog aku bila search pasal company aku haha. 

Kerja biasa laa, cant really expect to be smooth. Ada laa hole sana sini but up till now aku okay je nak bawak. Put aside the work stuffs, apa yang buatkan aku betul2 semangat kerja kat sini is the working environment, and the people ;)

Words cant express how I am very thankful for these good people that have been surrounding me here in the office. Aku rasa work is tough sometimes but the encouragement and endless support from dearest officemates buat aku rasa tak putus asa nak kerja kat sini. The way they care, the way they supported, the way they help me, I am very thankful with that. And also the way they protected me. Rasa memang susah nak jumpa lagi environment macam ni kat ofis lain. Sampai aku anggap every person in my department is like my own brother. They are like my own family.

Life is good currently. Tak ada laa masalah gila besar sampai jadi beban just a little crook here and there. Will be heading to 25 years old this coming july. Calon nak ajak kawen? Masih belum jumpa. Still single and available ahaha perlu kau gigih nak mention tu haa? Kerja dah almost 6 bulan. I work and have fun at the same time. I enjoy spending time after work with my friends. But every day also going through the same process over and over again. Bangun, kerja, then tido. Ulang proses 5 hari seminggu haha.

Because this post is just for the sake of updating, so sampai sini je laa. Next time I might come up with some other story. Till next time peeps ;)

Kim Heechul

Hoping that this guy will come again for SS6 in Malaysia!

Rakyat Malaysia ramai yang kufur nikmat?

I posted these in twitter just now and I feel like sharing em to my own blog. Betapa aku rasa Malaysia ni ramai kufur nikmat. Kang guna ayat tak tahu bersyukur kang ada yang tuduh aku macai pulak sat lagi. Macai tu apebenda pun aku tak tau. So here you go :

"Ada sorang guard pakistani ni time dlu dia blaja engineering. Tp end up jd pakgad je kt sini. Why? Sebab negara dia byk bergolak unlike here"

"Mungkin kadar jenayah kita makin tinggi ape sume but come to think of it, xpenah skali aku rasa kebulur. Baru td aku melantak beriani mahbub"

"Engineer wey, end up jd pakgad. Aku org IT pn jd engineer, kalah dia. Punya la teruk negara dia. Kesian. Hmmm."

"Tu sbb sepuluh kali korang ckp Malaysia x aman pn aku tanak percaya. Aku mmg nk sujud syukur kt Allah Maha Esa sbb aku lahir kt Malaysia ni"

"Asyik nak banding dgn kelebihan negara lain, bila pulak nak bersyukur dgn kelebihan negara kita ada? Korang ni kufur nikmat ni. Kbai"

"Pergi Australia, makin ke hulu masuk kereta, makin mahal minyak nye. Nak dpt standardize oil and gas price? Mimpi la wey."

"Tu sebab aku cakap orang Malaysia ni banyak kufur nikmat Allah Taala dah bagi. Merungut banyak. Bising lebih. Puiiii. Ok sorry kasar sangat"

Something to ponder upon.